


The Consequences of Keeping Secrets

by queerofthedagger



Series: Merlin Stories [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Don't copy to another site, Emotionally Constipated Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), First Kiss, M/M, Swearing, idiots to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 08:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23968354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerofthedagger/pseuds/queerofthedagger
Summary: If only Merlin would understand why Arthur is so angry; if only Arthur could bring himself to tell him.Or: Sometimes it's easier to simplysaywhat's bothering you, but it's also the hardest thing in the world. At least if you're Arthur Pendragon. Thankfully, Merlin loves him anyway.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Merlin Stories [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728040
Comments: 26
Kudos: 496





	The Consequences of Keeping Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not repost my work anywhere or list it on goodreads (or similar sites).

It’s threatening to become a familiar scene; Arthur and Merlin standing opposite each other in Arthur’s chamber, shouting with mounting frustration building at every new secret that gets revealed.

They’ve been at it for weeks, unravelling years of events that Arthur had no clue were happening, and he knows it’s not completely fair, that he's letting his emotions get the better of him, but Merlin just doesn’t seem to _understand,_ while Arthur is unable to put into words why it’s not the magic that’s bothering him, nor a lack of understanding why Merlin didn’t tell him, but all the things that actually entails.

“You had no right!” Arthur’s just hurling at Merlin, his fists clenching at his sides as he tries to keep himself from crossing the distance to shake the stubborn idiot, to force him to see sense.

Not that it would help, he knows.

Merlin scoffs, a muscle in his jaw jumping. “And what should I have done? Offering the life of someone else?”

A part of Arthur, the selfish, spoiled one, wants to answer this with a resounding _yes_. The, thankfully larger, more rational side of himself, the one that tries to keep a grip on his temper and overwhelming emotions, forces him to close his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts.

Obviously inclined to press his advantage, Merlin goes on, his voice tense and rough. “Not to mention that I survived, didn’t I? Not only I, but my mother and Gaius as well, and Nimueh is long dead – “

“Damn it, that’s not the bloody point!” Arthur shouts, fisting one hand into his air as his voice fills the space between them, feeling so much larger than it actually is. “You thought you were going to die, and you didn’t even tell me! You just – just – you didn’t even have the decency to let me decide if I _wanted_ you to trade your life for mine. You made all these decisions – “

“I’m asking you again,” Merlin interrupts, and his voice is much lower now, calm in a way that should make Arthur wary if he wasn’t so riled up himself. “What else was I supposed to do? You keep complaining that I made these decisions without consulting your royal pratness, but do you honestly want me to believe that you wouldn’t have chopped my head off back then?”

Arthur takes a step back at that, the accusation feeling like a physical blow; maybe the worst thing is that he’s not completely sure of the answer himself. Damn him if he’s going to admit that, though. “Then you simply shouldn’t have done anything!”

“Are you kidding me?” Merlin has the audacity to laugh at that, the sound mirthless and wretched and all wrong. It makes Arthur’s skin crawl. “You’re the Once and Future King – “

“Oh by the gods, don’t start with your whole bloody destiny-nonsense again!” Arthur snarls, the just receding fury flaring back to life in an instant. “I don’t _care_ what some blasted dragon said, this is about you being far too fucking willing to give your life for mine!”

It takes him a moment to comprehend what he just said, only the confused frown overtaking the anger in Merlin’s face making him reconsider his words, and he winces at the blunt admission.

Unfortunately, the shock doesn’t seem to placate Merlin all that much. “If you expect me to apologise for saving your life, we’re literally going to fight until the day you die because I don’t bloody care how much it’s bothering you, I’m not going to stop!”

“You very well will! I’m your king, and I – “

“What,” Merlin laughs, and alright, he can admit that it’s a weak argument, even for him. “You think after years of this, _that’s_ what going to stop me? You obviously know me even less than I thought.”

“No surprise there,” Arthur snaps back, words tumbling out of him without any filter whatsoever. Merlin always had the ability to make him lose any restraint, and recently, it manifests in the worst way possible.

Merlin winces slightly but quickly covers it with a glare. His hands are trembling at his side, and there’s a new edge to his agitation now, the line between frustration and desperation blurring. “For fuck’s sake, why is it so hard for you to say thank you for once in your life? Do you have any idea how hard it was? Do you think I _enjoyed_ keeping all that from you, having to make decisions that monumental? I never once asked for this, but I did it anyway! I lost so many people, had to hide myself from everyone important to me, and now you – you – “

He breaks off there and squeezes his eyes shut, and even with the distance between them, Arthur can hear the erratic rhythm of his breathing. God, but he is so tired of this, all the shouting and going in circles, of being unable to keep his mouth shut and driving them deeper into madness with each passing day.

Sometimes he wishes he had never asked Merlin to tell him everything; that he wouldn’t be too proud to insist that they stop doing this, going over all the parts of his life he never knew of.

His shoulders sag and he rubs a hand over his face. “You shouldn’t have had to,” he says quietly, and when Merlin opens his mouth to argue, he quickly raises a hand to stop him. “I know – you did have to, and that’s – that’s exactly my point.”

He swallows against the lump that lodged itself firmly in his throat, that infuriating instinct to never admit his feelings screaming at him to not do this.

“God, Merlin – all those years, and you had to do all of it alone. All those decisions and consequences, the fear for your own life, and still you’re so – so unbelievably _good_ in spite of everything. You shouldn’t have had to bear all of this on your own.” He closes his eyes and turns his head away, feeling too raw and exposed to keep looking at the sudden confusion and shock in Merlin’s eyes. “I’m just – _I’m sorry_ , okay? I wish I could’ve been there for you, that you could’ve – “

Warm hands on his shoulders cut him off, and it’s a testament to how wrung out he is that he didn’t even notice Merlin crossing the distance between them.

“You’re such an idiot,” Merlin whispers, his fingers digging into Arthur’s skin, and then he pulls him closer, lips pressing harshly against Arthur’s. There’s no finesse to the kiss, all teeth and hot breath and scrambling hands, but it’s easily the best thing Arthur has felt in a long time.

All the tension melts from him and he tangles his fingers into Merlin’s hair, pouring all the things he’s unable to say out loud into the kiss, hoping that it will be enough.

Merlin’s tongue brushes against his bottom lip and Arthur shudders, instinctively trying to press closer just as Merlin draws back the tiniest bit. “You infuriating, maddening, brilliant man, I can’t believe you,” he whispers against Arthur’s mouth before trailing his lips over his cheeks, his temples, his forehead.

Arthur can do nothing but cling to him, suddenly so very exhausted, and he lets his head drop to Merlin’s shoulders. “We should’ve tried this as a mediation technique weeks ago.”

“Or you could’ve just told me what’s actually bothering you,” Merlin mutters, but there’s an unmistakable fondness to his voice that Arthur hasn’t heard in much too long.

Still, he bites the spot behind Merlin’s ear in retaliation and hides his grin in the crook of his neck. “Shut up, and take me to bed, oh great warlock.”

For once in his life, Merlin does as he’s told.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it! <3 
> 
> You can also find me on [Tumblr](https://queenofthedagger.tumblr.com/)


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